That Painful Feeling

That Painful Feeling


My little sister was admitted to the HKL on 3rd October 2017. Before going to the hospital, we already went to the family clinic near our house for two times, but she didn't shows any signs of recovery. Instead, her condition just got worsen. Her fever and diarrhea lasted for 5 days already which is why she got admitted into Emergency ward right away when she was brought to the hospital.

The very next day, on 4th October 2017, I got a bad news from my sisters saying that my little sister need a surgery as the doctors were not sure what she was suffering from. The doctors said that there were three possibilities, whether her appendix had burst or her stomach had any problems or her intestines had holes as it got infected by bacteria. To my shock, they said that it will be a major surgery. Upon hearing that, all four of us, including her, did not agree to the doctors suggestion.

However, one of the senior doctor, the one that will perform the surgery on my little sister had convinced us that he is 99.9% sure that they will find something wrong if they perform the surgery. He told us that the needs to be done in an instant as my little sister life is in danger. It is because her blood pressure has dropped to 77/31. He said that if an old lady has a bp that low, she will be very ill, probably an inch from death. My sister was lucky as she is still young and strong which is why she's still standing. He also said that the later the surgery is performed, her condition will got worse.

Upon hearing that, we felt horrified. With only three of us there, we were completely clueless and can't reach to a decision. Our parent were far away and can only be at the hospital on the next day. However, the doctors had stressed that it'll be a bad decision to wait for their arrival, they need us to give our consent to start operating her right away as the Operating Theatre is free at that time. So, we called our parent once again and told them what has been told by the doctors. It was maybe our 7th phone call to them on that day. But still, we can't reach to a decision. The doctors keep coming to us and asking for the permission to operate my little sister.

Then, I gave a suggestion to my sister to let the head of the surgery team to talk to our father through the phone. Finally, my dad was convinced and gave his permission to the doctors to operate my sister. I don't how to describe our feeling on that time. Agreeing to the doctors mean that we will put our little sister life in danger. I can't hold it in anymore. Tears ran down my cheek automatically. I tried my best to hide it in front of my little sister but I guessed it shows as my eldest sister silently reprimanded me to control myself, not to cry in front of my little sister. It was because we need to give her strength so that she will feel less scared. But I am scared, I love my little sister so much that I can't stand watching her suffer. I wish I can take her place.

As I got reprimanded by my eldest sister, I tried harder to hide my emotions. I bit my lips to control my emotions and to stop my tears from dropping. However, my effort was in vain upon seeing the teary eyes of my second sister which has just got back from the toilet. I can't stop crying. So I decided to hide behind the curtain and started to revert my attention to something else in order to stop my tears.

As the operation team is all set, they push my sister's bed to the operation theatre and we followed really close. As soon as they went into the operation room, all three of us automatically started to cry our heart out while praying for her safety.

My family arrived at the hospital right after my little sister got into the OT. They waited at the wards where my little sister was before as they don't know where the OT is.

We barely had any sleep that night. The surgery finished at 4am if I am not mistaken. She went into the OT at 7.30pm. Alhamdulillah, the surgery went well, but my sister need to be monitored in the ICU for a while until she's stable. After few days she was transferred to normal wards.

After the surgery, the doctor found out that there's nothing wrong with my sister's internal organ as they suggest before the surgery. It turned out to be Leptospirosis. It was a negative laparatomy. My elder sisters and I were very angry at the doctors after the surgery because they are so unprofessional. How can they be so coward and explain nothing to us after the surgery has ended? We were very clueless and had asked the nurse everytime they do daily checkups for my sister. However, all the nurse seems to be hesitating and only some of them honestly told us the real story. Upon hearing the story, my second sister got really angry and suddenly yell out loud her thoughts so that the doctor heard them. Everyone was shocked and silence started to fill up the room. The funny thing is, no one dare to make us leave the room even after the visiting time is over.

Yeah, we know that doctors are human and can only guess the patient sickness based on the symptoms. However, if they are wrong, at least, explain and apologize so that we understand stop worrying. Not running away from us and left us feeling clueless and worried. At last, one of us had exploded because of that. Be profesional and face the patient family please. Don't keep them waiting while worrying.

Maybe some of the families will be angry at you when you are wrong but I think it is your responsibility to explain. Their anger is just temporary and maybe just because they can't believe the fact they are hearing. Just explain that you are not God and can't do anything against the God wills. If they still mad at you, then you can run away from them at that time as you did what you were supposed to do. Okay, that's that.

Alhamdulillah, my sister has recovered. Even it is not a full recovery yet since she said it is still painful at some point of the surgery scars. As it is a major surgery involving more than 12cm cut, it will take a long time to fully recover. It is already the month of April so it has been 5 months since the surgery. Her taboo period or abstinence period is over long ago, but my mom still forbid her to drink ice water or cold water. She will have a sip of our cold water at times and have a debate with my mother saying that the water will be warmed inside the stomach. Haha. She will also eat the ice cream that she put inside hot water. Melted ice cream or warm ice cream I called it. I don't know how it taste as I've never give it a try.

الحمدلله ثم الحمدلله ثم الحمدلله..
I hope that this test will make us closer to Him.

Reality of Marriage?!

Marriage?!
Reality vs Fantasy

Unmarried teenagers usually look at marriage very differently. Not all, but most of them do. I used to look at it that way too. I dreamt of the fantasy marriage when I was a teenager. As I used to be a romantic novels lover, my way of thinking had been influenced by the fiction written by the authors. I thought that it was the reality of marriage and it seemed so sweet. As I grow up, I came to realize that the stories were just made up. Afterall, they are fiction! The reality of marriage is not as romantic as the novels suggest. Marriage is about RESPONSIBILITY!

There might be romantic part, but maybe only 1 to 7 percent of the total marriage; depending on the person's personality whether they are romantic or not. The rest are RESPONSIBILITY.

If you are a man, then you will need to give nafkah to your wife. For this, you will need to work. Then, you serve as the guardian and the protector of your wife and kids. You need to look after them. That's a big responsibilities. As you know, women are very complicated. Their emotions vary every seconds. Just a second before, they are happy and the next second they can be very moody. At times there are something that had caused them to behave that way but there are times that they don't even have any reasons for their change of mood. So, it will be nearly impossible to understand a woman as they sometimes don't understand their own selves too. Well, I can say that woman is very unique and I am one of them. 😅

My point is, if you are not mentally prepared, you will be exhausted and stressed. Getting tired from working all day + stressed with your boss and other employees, then coming home, you need to entertain your children, spend time with them + their multiple temperaments (mind you, each child has different attitudes, some can be naughty and so hard to handle) + your wife changable emotions (eg: when your wife opened the door, she can be all smile, then because you didn't notice a small change that she did to herself, she can be sulky and irritating right after that. Maybe she wears a new dress or put up a new lipstick or got her hair done or a hair cut or she wears a new pair of earrings. It was so small that if you didn't focus on the details, you will missed it and you will be in trouble.)

Women are attention seeker. If you pay close attention to them and showed that you really care, you will be loved. They also love to hear compliments. Shower them with compliments and they will melt, but don't go overboard or else they will be mad. I don't know how to explain about the overboard compliments as it differs for each woman. Some might find it insulting if they know that they are not that pretty but you said that they are prettier than certain actress or tv stars. However, some might like it. So you need to know which type of woman your wife is. They might also be both type at different time following their moods. So difficult, isn't it. Haha. It will be really difficult if you don't know the complexities of women. They are completely different from men. I agree with a book with the title, "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" by John Gray. Yes, they are from different planet. 😂

You need to erase your fantasy about your dream woman. In fiction, there are many angel-like-women. They always follow orders from the male lead, talk nicely, dress prettily, appear to be beautiful at all time. In reality, women always talk back (especially me ^_~), they will follow the orders of their husband but sometimes they do delay the orders. Some might do right away but keeps on complaining when they do it. Some might do it half-heartedly. There a some who did that with a smile and sincerity; the kind that are hard to find, my eternal role model. Unfortunately, I keep on failing to consistently do that.(For my parents as I am not married yet.. Haha)

Talking nicely is only done when women are in a good mood. When they are in bad mood, they will also raise their voice or talking in an annoying way. If women starts to ignore their husbands, it is whether they are truly hurt or they want you to realize that you have done a mistake so you need to apologize. Dressing up prettily at home for husband is really encouraged for a married women so that their husband will feel calm when they are home after work. If the married couple doesn't has a child yet it will be rather easy for the wife to do that. However, if they have children especially little children, husband need to understand that it is hard to dress up prettily. The children will be making a mess and the pretty dress will be ruined and dirty. That's why wives didn't wear pretty dresses at home. If they still can despite all the mess, they are amazing women, appreciate their effort by praising them.

Women are not real angels. How can they be beautiful all the time? In drama, yes they can as they wear makeups before every scenes and do their hair before the shootings. In reality, when they wake up from sleep,  their hair will be messy, their breath will be smelly, their faces will be oily. Well, that's normal as we, women are merely human.

In the other hand, if you are a woman, you need to be a wife, a mother, a nurse, a guardian, a teacher, a friend and so on - be almost anything for the family. In fantasy, the female lead will suffer only for a while and she will live with her husband happily ever after. It is not true guys. In life, there will always be ups and downs. You will definitely quarrel with your husband once in a while. When you live together, there'll be something that you don't really like about each other habits. You might even fight for things that are so small, that it seems childish to other people. Like Dr. Fadzillah Kamsah once said, husband and wife can even fight just because of a toothpaste. The husband like to fold the end of the toothpaste when it is empty while the wife doesn't like it when it is folded. It is just a simple thing like that. It can eventually grows bigger if we don't control our emotions. As a wife, you need to always stay calm and control your emotion well. As we all know, women are a very emotional creature on earth. Haha. It is not a bad thing, but it can be bad if we don't control it. Our marriage will got broken rather easily if we follow our unstable emotions.

When your husband suddenly got angry at you, even when you know it is not your fault, try to stay silent and calm. Don't ever talk balk or raise your voice. After your husband has calmed down, then you can tell him the truth. Most of the cases that I read, the husband will eventually realise that he is on the wrong side right after he has calmed down. However, there are different type of men. Some might apologize to their wife after that. Some might feel guilty but they don't apologize as they have their ego. Some might treat you better after that because of their guilt.

Next, women need to control their jealousy. It is very natural for women to be jealous of other woman that seems close to their husband as they love their husband. However, don't go overboard. It is so wrong to be jealous of every woman that just talked to your husband. It is as if they can't talk to any woman at all. Nowadays, there are lots of women employees. If your husband work with a company full of women then he will need to talk and discuss business matter with them right? Yes you can be wary, but don't be a queen-control. You need to put trust in your husband.

There are cases when your husband really loves you, but because of your excessive jealousy, he started to be stressed out and then he started to let out his burden to someone else. You will be lucky if the person that he shared his burden to is his male friend. What if it is his friend which is a female? You will be left behind. Mind you, men also want to be listened and understood. They might turned to the one who listens and understand them. If you really love your husband, don't control their life. However, don't be an innocent and gullible women. You need to be wise. If not, you will end up being lied to. It is not that easy living a life as a wife.

You also need to cook, do the laundry, wash the dishes, go to grocery shopping, keep the house clean, entertain your husband and children, be good to your parent and in laws and so on. There are some of the guys that help their wife to do the house chores in order to enlighten their wife burden. I wish every husband will do that. It is because it is not that easy to complete all the tasks above. You can try be a 'househusband' for a whole week and you will know what I mean.

Next, stop fantasizing that your husband will be really romantic like the novel suggests. They are NOT. Haha. It will be really hard to find a romantic husband in this world. Maybe there will be one out of a thousand. Or maybe lesser than that. If you want to create a romantic moment, you are the one who need to start it because I believe that women is way more romantic than men. That is why the romantic novel are written by women. It is the author fantasy that the male lead will do the romantic event for his wife. Then, why don't you make the fantasy real? It is just a little bit different from the fiction as the women will be the romantic person, but it doesn't matter right? It will still be romantic. Hehe

Wow! I sound like a married woman right? Haha.. Well, I am not! I am just a girl who like to read and observe. I also refer to the daily interaction between me and my parent to visualize how will I behave in front of my husbands in the future.. Habits are hard to be changed, so I think it might be a  similar interaction.. Hehe

It is my current thought of marriage, I mean before I experience it myself, who knows it will be completely different after I got married in the future. Hehe. I wrote this post quite some time ago when 'marrying at young age' is like a trend at that time. You can marry anytime you want if you are already prepared. Young or old doesn't matter. What matter is your preparedness to get through a new BIG challenge in your life.

Yesterday

It has been months,
That I last lost the battle,
The hardest one so far,
The battle with my own self

Right after losing,
I felt very helpless,
As I can't stop myself,
From doing things that I'll regret
My inner self keep screaming,
'SAVE ME FROM MYSELF'

My mind went blank,
So I remained still for a while,
Staring at the walls blankly,
While trying to hate myself,
As I really regret my action,
However I will never succeed,
Cause I am one,
I can never hate myself.

Slowly, my mind sobered up,
I can't do anything to undo my action,
Nor can I erase it,
But I still have the present,
To make things better for my future,
I need to start changing without any delay.

Only you can change your own life,
The choice is in your hand,
Whether to make it better or worser,
Think carefully,
Act wisely,
So that your action will not do any harm to your life.

Keep Turning Back

That time,
Upon realizing
You are getting further,
U started to feel guilty,
U started to change,
But it doesn't go smooth,
There's some resistances,
Come up on your way,
U started to feel scared,
That He already left U,
As U do it over and over again

The Emptiness,
Anxiousness,
Helplessness,
Restlessness,
And Nervousness
Filling up your empty heart,
As U feel useless,
U started crying,
While praying,
That He still accepting,
Ur million-th repentant

It's not like U r not sincere,
With your repentance before,
But the devils are cleverer,
They keep making U a sinner,
To join them in hell in hereafter.

Keep fighting sisters and brothers,
Let's keep reprimanding each others,
So that we can be together,
With our beloved Prophet later.

Paradise isn't cheap,
There's a price for us to pay,
That's why people say,
World is a 'prison' for Mukmin,
Coz there's many restrictions,
To test our faith and patience.

Don't give up after U fall,
Even after so many times,
Quickly get up and turn to Him,
Always keep in mind,
No matter how many times U sin,
He will not leave U,
He never gets tired of giving and forgiving,
As He is the Most Merciful, Most Forgiving.

The devils never give up,
U should keep up,
Don't ever lose hope,
It's never too late,
Before the sun is up,
Right from the West side!