REVIVED?

Above meme has perfectly described my blog activity ever since it was created. I've nearly forgotten about this blog of mine since the last post I've written is about two years ago. However, one of my high school bestie had shared a screenshot of a post that I've published in 2011 in our Whatsapp group this morning. Then I run over here to check on all my posts in case there's anything embarassing that I need to hide or delete. My old posts especially those written in 2011 are quite embarassing as they clearly reflect my childish side but since now I'm matured enough, I've made a matured decision to keep them here as memories 😂. 

It was like riding through my memory lane, reading all the posts has helped me to vividly visualizing the situation that I've encountered in my life. I want to be an active blogger again but knowing myself for 25 years now, I know I have always been 'hangat-hangat tahi ayam' kind of person 😬. My will to write will eventually die the next day or maybe in a month or two. Plus, my beloved laptop is broken (since 2018 if I am not mistaken) and I don't really like blogging through my handphone so it'll be a little bit hard for me to do this. It doesn't sound like an excuse isn't it? Haha. Since re-reading the posts after a few years is quite fun, I'll try to write as often as possible; more importantly-when I feel like it. Hehe. 

It's the fifth day of Syawal now and it was my first time celebrating Eid here in KL with only my two sisters and one of my cousins due to Covid-19. Going back to our hometown is forbidden since CMCO(Conditional Movement Control Order) hasn't been lifted as the pandemic disease is still spreading. I know it's for the best as the annual hometown exodus might broaden the virus transmission which is why we abide by the rule but it has been the most doleful Hari Raya Celebration ever. I hope the world will be freed from this virus as soon as possible. The first thing I'll do after Malaysia is free from Covid-19 is going back to my ultimate homeeeee. Aaaaa~~~I can't wait. Just thinking about it makes me happy 😉.

The gloominess of our first day of Raya is hidden behind our wistful smile and laugh. My second sister had successfully induced us to apply make up that day just for picture purpose. For some people, it might be their everyday easy peasy lemon squeezy make up routine but for us, it was the best we can do with the most basic stuff that we have. All the make up supplies from each of us are combined but it was still basic. No mascara, no eyeliner, no proper brush and lots of other things missing that we might never knew how to use it if they're in our possesion. All we have is a foundation, blusher, several lipsticks and the free eye palettes that I got 2 years ago due to the closure of Guardian Ampang Park store. I've never watched a make up totorial before, but I've heard of smoky eyes so I tried to do it on my cousin with only the picture that I had imagined in my mind and it resulted in a disaster. At last, my cousin had to remove it. Haha. We had a great laugh over the make up application process since we are all novices. After the so called photoshoot, we had a video call with la familia. Then we had several guests coming over and they're all my eldest sister's friends. 

I spent the 2nd day of Eid with my friend, Dinie. She wanted to eat at Kfry and since I have never tried it yet so I was pretty excited. However, I wasn't able to enjoy the great dishes so much since I was still recovering from the gastric attack that I had the night after the 1st Eid. Maybe because I had too much lemang with rendang which is quite spicy. Their signature dish which is the cheesy bumbuk chicken is very delicious but since it was spicy I just ate two pieces fearing my gastric attack will strike again. One of the staff is super friendly and kept talking to my friend while he was preparing our cheesy chicken. Of course he won't be talking to me because I am not that friendly and awkward arround strangers. Haha. But I found this one sentence from him criticizing me 😑

Staff: Still studying or ady working?
Dinie: Working, why do we look young?
Staff: You look younger than her.

Usually people said that I look young but this is the first time I was compared to someone my age and I lost. Haha. But I admit my defeat, she looks a little bit younger than me. Does that mean I look matured? Zaati Nabilah, now I have a solid maturity proof. Hihiiii

My third Eid is just like normal holiday, being at home doing nothing. Haha. I got back to work starting from 4th Eid. That pretty much sums up my Aidilfitri in 2020.

Lastly, stay safe everyone! 😎

That Painful Feeling

That Painful Feeling


My little sister was admitted to the HKL on 3rd October 2017. Before going to the hospital, we already went to the family clinic near our house for two times, but she didn't shows any signs of recovery. Instead, her condition just got worsen. Her fever and diarrhea lasted for 5 days already which is why she got admitted into Emergency ward right away when she was brought to the hospital.

The very next day, on 4th October 2017, I got a bad news from my sisters saying that my little sister need a surgery as the doctors were not sure what she was suffering from. The doctors said that there were three possibilities, whether her appendix had burst or her stomach had any problems or her intestines had holes as it got infected by bacteria. To my shock, they said that it will be a major surgery. Upon hearing that, all four of us, including her, did not agree to the doctors suggestion.

However, one of the senior doctor, the one that will perform the surgery on my little sister had convinced us that he is 99.9% sure that they will find something wrong if they perform the surgery. He told us that the needs to be done in an instant as my little sister life is in danger. It is because her blood pressure has dropped to 77/31. He said that if an old lady has a bp that low, she will be very ill, probably an inch from death. My sister was lucky as she is still young and strong which is why she's still standing. He also said that the later the surgery is performed, her condition will got worse.

Upon hearing that, we felt horrified. With only three of us there, we were completely clueless and can't reach to a decision. Our parent were far away and can only be at the hospital on the next day. However, the doctors had stressed that it'll be a bad decision to wait for their arrival, they need us to give our consent to start operating her right away as the Operating Theatre is free at that time. So, we called our parent once again and told them what has been told by the doctors. It was maybe our 7th phone call to them on that day. But still, we can't reach to a decision. The doctors keep coming to us and asking for the permission to operate my little sister.

Then, I gave a suggestion to my sister to let the head of the surgery team to talk to our father through the phone. Finally, my dad was convinced and gave his permission to the doctors to operate my sister. I don't how to describe our feeling on that time. Agreeing to the doctors mean that we will put our little sister life in danger. I can't hold it in anymore. Tears ran down my cheek automatically. I tried my best to hide it in front of my little sister but I guessed it shows as my eldest sister silently reprimanded me to control myself, not to cry in front of my little sister. It was because we need to give her strength so that she will feel less scared. But I am scared, I love my little sister so much that I can't stand watching her suffer. I wish I can take her place.

As I got reprimanded by my eldest sister, I tried harder to hide my emotions. I bit my lips to control my emotions and to stop my tears from dropping. However, my effort was in vain upon seeing the teary eyes of my second sister which has just got back from the toilet. I can't stop crying. So I decided to hide behind the curtain and started to revert my attention to something else in order to stop my tears.

As the operation team is all set, they push my sister's bed to the operation theatre and we followed really close. As soon as they went into the operation room, all three of us automatically started to cry our heart out while praying for her safety.

My family arrived at the hospital right after my little sister got into the OT. They waited at the wards where my little sister was before as they don't know where the OT is.

We barely had any sleep that night. The surgery finished at 4am if I am not mistaken. She went into the OT at 7.30pm. Alhamdulillah, the surgery went well, but my sister need to be monitored in the ICU for a while until she's stable. After few days she was transferred to normal wards.

After the surgery, the doctor found out that there's nothing wrong with my sister's internal organ as they suggest before the surgery. It turned out to be Leptospirosis. It was a negative laparatomy. My elder sisters and I were very angry at the doctors after the surgery because they are so unprofessional. How can they be so coward and explain nothing to us after the surgery has ended? We were very clueless and had asked the nurse everytime they do daily checkups for my sister. However, all the nurse seems to be hesitating and only some of them honestly told us the real story. Upon hearing the story, my second sister got really angry and suddenly yell out loud her thoughts so that the doctor heard them. Everyone was shocked and silence started to fill up the room. The funny thing is, no one dare to make us leave the room even after the visiting time is over.

Yeah, we know that doctors are human and can only guess the patient sickness based on the symptoms. However, if they are wrong, at least, explain and apologize so that we understand stop worrying. Not running away from us and left us feeling clueless and worried. At last, one of us had exploded because of that. Be profesional and face the patient family please. Don't keep them waiting while worrying.

Maybe some of the families will be angry at you when you are wrong but I think it is your responsibility to explain. Their anger is just temporary and maybe just because they can't believe the fact they are hearing. Just explain that you are not God and can't do anything against the God wills. If they still mad at you, then you can run away from them at that time as you did what you were supposed to do. Okay, that's that.

Alhamdulillah, my sister has recovered. Even it is not a full recovery yet since she said it is still painful at some point of the surgery scars. As it is a major surgery involving more than 12cm cut, it will take a long time to fully recover. It is already the month of April so it has been 5 months since the surgery. Her taboo period or abstinence period is over long ago, but my mom still forbid her to drink ice water or cold water. She will have a sip of our cold water at times and have a debate with my mother saying that the water will be warmed inside the stomach. Haha. She will also eat the ice cream that she put inside hot water. Melted ice cream or warm ice cream I called it. I don't know how it taste as I've never give it a try.

الحمدلله ثم الحمدلله ثم الحمدلله..
I hope that this test will make us closer to Him.

Reality of Marriage?!

Marriage?!
Reality vs Fantasy

Unmarried teenagers usually look at marriage very differently. Not all, but most of them do. I used to look at it that way too. I dreamt of the fantasy marriage when I was a teenager. As I used to be a romantic novels lover, my way of thinking had been influenced by the fiction written by the authors. I thought that it was the reality of marriage and it seemed so sweet. As I grow up, I came to realize that the stories were just made up. Afterall, they are fiction! The reality of marriage is not as romantic as the novels suggest. Marriage is about RESPONSIBILITY!

There might be romantic part, but maybe only 1 to 7 percent of the total marriage; depending on the person's personality whether they are romantic or not. The rest are RESPONSIBILITY.

If you are a man, then you will need to give nafkah to your wife. For this, you will need to work. Then, you serve as the guardian and the protector of your wife and kids. You need to look after them. That's a big responsibilities. As you know, women are very complicated. Their emotions vary every seconds. Just a second before, they are happy and the next second they can be very moody. At times there are something that had caused them to behave that way but there are times that they don't even have any reasons for their change of mood. So, it will be nearly impossible to understand a woman as they sometimes don't understand their own selves too. Well, I can say that woman is very unique and I am one of them. 😅

My point is, if you are not mentally prepared, you will be exhausted and stressed. Getting tired from working all day + stressed with your boss and other employees, then coming home, you need to entertain your children, spend time with them + their multiple temperaments (mind you, each child has different attitudes, some can be naughty and so hard to handle) + your wife changable emotions (eg: when your wife opened the door, she can be all smile, then because you didn't notice a small change that she did to herself, she can be sulky and irritating right after that. Maybe she wears a new dress or put up a new lipstick or got her hair done or a hair cut or she wears a new pair of earrings. It was so small that if you didn't focus on the details, you will missed it and you will be in trouble.)

Women are attention seeker. If you pay close attention to them and showed that you really care, you will be loved. They also love to hear compliments. Shower them with compliments and they will melt, but don't go overboard or else they will be mad. I don't know how to explain about the overboard compliments as it differs for each woman. Some might find it insulting if they know that they are not that pretty but you said that they are prettier than certain actress or tv stars. However, some might like it. So you need to know which type of woman your wife is. They might also be both type at different time following their moods. So difficult, isn't it. Haha. It will be really difficult if you don't know the complexities of women. They are completely different from men. I agree with a book with the title, "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" by John Gray. Yes, they are from different planet. 😂

You need to erase your fantasy about your dream woman. In fiction, there are many angel-like-women. They always follow orders from the male lead, talk nicely, dress prettily, appear to be beautiful at all time. In reality, women always talk back (especially me ^_~), they will follow the orders of their husband but sometimes they do delay the orders. Some might do right away but keeps on complaining when they do it. Some might do it half-heartedly. There a some who did that with a smile and sincerity; the kind that are hard to find, my eternal role model. Unfortunately, I keep on failing to consistently do that.(For my parents as I am not married yet.. Haha)

Talking nicely is only done when women are in a good mood. When they are in bad mood, they will also raise their voice or talking in an annoying way. If women starts to ignore their husbands, it is whether they are truly hurt or they want you to realize that you have done a mistake so you need to apologize. Dressing up prettily at home for husband is really encouraged for a married women so that their husband will feel calm when they are home after work. If the married couple doesn't has a child yet it will be rather easy for the wife to do that. However, if they have children especially little children, husband need to understand that it is hard to dress up prettily. The children will be making a mess and the pretty dress will be ruined and dirty. That's why wives didn't wear pretty dresses at home. If they still can despite all the mess, they are amazing women, appreciate their effort by praising them.

Women are not real angels. How can they be beautiful all the time? In drama, yes they can as they wear makeups before every scenes and do their hair before the shootings. In reality, when they wake up from sleep,  their hair will be messy, their breath will be smelly, their faces will be oily. Well, that's normal as we, women are merely human.

In the other hand, if you are a woman, you need to be a wife, a mother, a nurse, a guardian, a teacher, a friend and so on - be almost anything for the family. In fantasy, the female lead will suffer only for a while and she will live with her husband happily ever after. It is not true guys. In life, there will always be ups and downs. You will definitely quarrel with your husband once in a while. When you live together, there'll be something that you don't really like about each other habits. You might even fight for things that are so small, that it seems childish to other people. Like Dr. Fadzillah Kamsah once said, husband and wife can even fight just because of a toothpaste. The husband like to fold the end of the toothpaste when it is empty while the wife doesn't like it when it is folded. It is just a simple thing like that. It can eventually grows bigger if we don't control our emotions. As a wife, you need to always stay calm and control your emotion well. As we all know, women are a very emotional creature on earth. Haha. It is not a bad thing, but it can be bad if we don't control it. Our marriage will got broken rather easily if we follow our unstable emotions.

When your husband suddenly got angry at you, even when you know it is not your fault, try to stay silent and calm. Don't ever talk balk or raise your voice. After your husband has calmed down, then you can tell him the truth. Most of the cases that I read, the husband will eventually realise that he is on the wrong side right after he has calmed down. However, there are different type of men. Some might apologize to their wife after that. Some might feel guilty but they don't apologize as they have their ego. Some might treat you better after that because of their guilt.

Next, women need to control their jealousy. It is very natural for women to be jealous of other woman that seems close to their husband as they love their husband. However, don't go overboard. It is so wrong to be jealous of every woman that just talked to your husband. It is as if they can't talk to any woman at all. Nowadays, there are lots of women employees. If your husband work with a company full of women then he will need to talk and discuss business matter with them right? Yes you can be wary, but don't be a queen-control. You need to put trust in your husband.

There are cases when your husband really loves you, but because of your excessive jealousy, he started to be stressed out and then he started to let out his burden to someone else. You will be lucky if the person that he shared his burden to is his male friend. What if it is his friend which is a female? You will be left behind. Mind you, men also want to be listened and understood. They might turned to the one who listens and understand them. If you really love your husband, don't control their life. However, don't be an innocent and gullible women. You need to be wise. If not, you will end up being lied to. It is not that easy living a life as a wife.

You also need to cook, do the laundry, wash the dishes, go to grocery shopping, keep the house clean, entertain your husband and children, be good to your parent and in laws and so on. There are some of the guys that help their wife to do the house chores in order to enlighten their wife burden. I wish every husband will do that. It is because it is not that easy to complete all the tasks above. You can try be a 'househusband' for a whole week and you will know what I mean.

Next, stop fantasizing that your husband will be really romantic like the novel suggests. They are NOT. Haha. It will be really hard to find a romantic husband in this world. Maybe there will be one out of a thousand. Or maybe lesser than that. If you want to create a romantic moment, you are the one who need to start it because I believe that women is way more romantic than men. That is why the romantic novel are written by women. It is the author fantasy that the male lead will do the romantic event for his wife. Then, why don't you make the fantasy real? It is just a little bit different from the fiction as the women will be the romantic person, but it doesn't matter right? It will still be romantic. Hehe

Wow! I sound like a married woman right? Haha.. Well, I am not! I am just a girl who like to read and observe. I also refer to the daily interaction between me and my parent to visualize how will I behave in front of my husbands in the future.. Habits are hard to be changed, so I think it might be a  similar interaction.. Hehe

It is my current thought of marriage, I mean before I experience it myself, who knows it will be completely different after I got married in the future. Hehe. I wrote this post quite some time ago when 'marrying at young age' is like a trend at that time. You can marry anytime you want if you are already prepared. Young or old doesn't matter. What matter is your preparedness to get through a new BIG challenge in your life.

Yesterday

It has been months,
That I last lost the battle,
The hardest one so far,
The battle with my own self

Right after losing,
I felt very helpless,
As I can't stop myself,
From doing things that I'll regret
My inner self keep screaming,
'SAVE ME FROM MYSELF'

My mind went blank,
So I remained still for a while,
Staring at the walls blankly,
While trying to hate myself,
As I really regret my action,
However I will never succeed,
Cause I am one,
I can never hate myself.

Slowly, my mind sobered up,
I can't do anything to undo my action,
Nor can I erase it,
But I still have the present,
To make things better for my future,
I need to start changing without any delay.

Only you can change your own life,
The choice is in your hand,
Whether to make it better or worser,
Think carefully,
Act wisely,
So that your action will not do any harm to your life.

Keep Turning Back

That time,
Upon realizing
You are getting further,
U started to feel guilty,
U started to change,
But it doesn't go smooth,
There's some resistances,
Come up on your way,
U started to feel scared,
That He already left U,
As U do it over and over again

The Emptiness,
Anxiousness,
Helplessness,
Restlessness,
And Nervousness
Filling up your empty heart,
As U feel useless,
U started crying,
While praying,
That He still accepting,
Ur million-th repentant

It's not like U r not sincere,
With your repentance before,
But the devils are cleverer,
They keep making U a sinner,
To join them in hell in hereafter.

Keep fighting sisters and brothers,
Let's keep reprimanding each others,
So that we can be together,
With our beloved Prophet later.

Paradise isn't cheap,
There's a price for us to pay,
That's why people say,
World is a 'prison' for Mukmin,
Coz there's many restrictions,
To test our faith and patience.

Don't give up after U fall,
Even after so many times,
Quickly get up and turn to Him,
Always keep in mind,
No matter how many times U sin,
He will not leave U,
He never gets tired of giving and forgiving,
As He is the Most Merciful, Most Forgiving.

The devils never give up,
U should keep up,
Don't ever lose hope,
It's never too late,
Before the sun is up,
Right from the West side!

HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF

"If we forget history, we were doomed to repeat it" 

                                                                               (George Santayana)

                 This is the phrase that I used to hear when I am in high school. I used to hate history very much and do not understand what's the purpose of learning history. What's so good learning about someone that we don't even know. Haha. Back then, I am also not very patriotic , so the story about all the warriors which had sacrificed their life defending the country has no meaning to me. It took me a long time to digest all the information. I've started to realize it after a recent attack on my country. I know how important it is to defend our country from invaders. You know, as I got so comfortable living in the peace I had no imagination of living in fear of attacks or wars. I took things for granted. 
                 I also misinterpreted the saying by George Santayana. Haha. I literally do a direct translation without looking at the implicit meaning of his words. I thought that he said if we don't remember history; means that if we don't memorize it, we will repeat the history. I've just realized how unmatured I was at that time. Haha. Actually, by forgetting, he means that if we forget about the suffering or the lessons that we had gone through during the hard times, maybe we will go through it once again. If we forget, it means that we are being carefree, not being wary of the possibilities that we might be attacked. So, we will not do much in protecting the country. For example, the army will not be trained, the country's borders are not being guarded and the immigration just allowed anyone to enter the country. 
                 It'll be different if we remember about it. I'll give an analogy, a house that has been robbed before, the owner will pay more attention on the security as they don't want the same thing to be recurring as compared to the house that has never been robbed yet. However, if a house has been robbed once, but the owner of the house does not learn from the dark history, there'll be a great chance that the history will be repeated; means that the house will be robbed again and again. 

                Phew~ trying to explain this thing, makes me sweaty. (Okay so I lied. I am in a cold study room with three air-conditioners on, how can I be sweaty. Haha)   

                 Actually I explained all these things because I wanted to relate with the situation that I've gone through today. Haha. I want to say that, even if we already learn from it and tried our best not to repeat it, sometimes, it'll be repeated. I remember the dark history of my past presentation very well and I tried my best in prepping myself for the final presentation which was in this afternoon, I still got attacked and tricked by the questions asked by the panels. They see a flaw in my slide and attack that one point until I had nothing to say. I can only pretends to answer as if I did not understand the questions asked and give a different answer, not the one that they want to hear. Means that, I am not answering the question. 

                 I just want to stress that if this kind of situation ever happened to you, do not feel disappointed in yourself. Do not feel paranoid. It was because I didn't. Haha. How do I get through this? One word, FAITH. Have faith in yourself and the most important thing is have faith in our creator, Allah S.W.T. We plan, He plan and He is the best planner. If our plan did not go our way, BELIEVE that it is the best for us because He is the All-knowing. He knows what is the best for us. Or maybe, it is just a test from him to measure the level of our faith.

                      People said that I always looked calm in most of the situations. (Not all because there are time when I freaked out too. Haha) This is the reason why. Because I BELIEVE. Even when something does not go as I planned, I know that He is the best planner. When I am tested with something that made me really sad, I BELIEVE that there's something behind this test that he wanted me to see. It's just a matter of time before I realized or came to know the meaning behind it. 

LIFE AS A STUDENT

LIFE AS A STUDENT

Student,
Can't afford to own a car,
Yet has to move around all the time

Waiting,
That's the only choice,
Whether the bus exists or not,
They'll know as they wait

Time is gold,
It can't be put on hold,
That's what we were told

What kind of power we possess,
To make the bus run as we please,
We are powerless

If we are late,
We'll be dead,
A pool of nags awaits

Is't entirely our fault?
Does anyone care about how we felt?
We already tried our best

We won't ask much,
Only to be understood,
Students are human,
Neither angels nor god,
With no superhuman power

At times,
We make mistakes,
We do procrastinate,
For our laziness sake
We do what it takes,
When fun is at stake

A piece of advice,
From someone with experiences,

Get a life,
Because we only live once,
Do anything you want,
Things that you won't regret,
Don't waste your youth,

It's a student life!
It's the best time of our life.

I wrote this so-called poem while waiting for the bus in to get to the campus from home. It was a long wait. I got bored while waiting so, that's how this poem was born. Haha. 

My Parent, My World!

Part I: MY DAD MY HERO

(in my family's chatting group)

Me: Mummy, daddy.. I won't be going back home this weekend.. I feel obligated to accompany my friend that will be staying at the college alone..
Daddy: Why don't you invite her to our house? 
Me: Haha. Next time I will.
Daddy : Is your pocket money is still enough? If not your we will go there..while sightseeing..
Me : It's still enough for next week daddy and I'll definitely going back home next weekend..
Daddy : Okay 

          It's a conversation between me and my beloved daddy. I just wanna say daddy, I love you so much. I am really shy to say this directly to you so I will write it in here as a proof of my greatest love. Mummy, daddy, I love you guys so much that it can't be expressed merely through words. I know I am not that of an obedient daughter. I used to be very stubborn that sometimes it might hurt both of you. Now I am matured enough to be able to control myself. I want to pull a smile on your face everyday (p/s: Maher Zain song's lyric). It's still not too late. I will start right now. I don't want to be regretting it after they're no longer in this world. I will show them my love. I want them to be proud of me. I don't want to make them worry about me.

          They're getting older. I can clearly see that through the grey hairs that's growing on my father's head. I am really scared actually. The thought that they'll be leaving me someday is the scariest thing on earth. I want them to be here for a long time. I want them to see my child, and even my grandchild. But it's still uncertain right. Who knows that maybe I'll be leaving this world before them.

I don't know which scenario that I want:
1)Me leaving first - they'll be sad
2)They first - I can't imagine how my life would be without them.

          Everybody will be experiencing death. That's certain. Remembering that, it has awaken me. It has turned me into a better daughter. However, sometimes, we, human can't escape from doing mistakes. I do too, but I will my best not to repeat my mistakes. I am going to make them happy every single day as we don't know when our last day on earth.
That's all from me tonight. It's a teary message but I tried my best not to cry as my friend is just on her bed beside me. I don't want her to see me cry.

A best friend of mine
First met in 2009
All I did was tickling
I don't even know what I was doing
But Sarah & her keep on laughing
Those reactions keep me going

2010 was the second year,
In which had make us closer,
Next to me she was seated
Wonderful memories created
We are still unmatured
Through china flag we bickered
Few days our lips were sealed
In front of Runcit Hassan we reconciled

To Wataniah we transferred
The reunion made an offer
For us to be bestfriend forever
Twin is what we were called
Always being together
Beautiful memories were gathered
Too many to be uncovered
They will always be treasured

Afterschool,
sea had separated us
She studied miles away
Separation teaches me the word 'longing'
In which being tgether it'll never appear
How time flies
The memory is like it was just yesterday
All the school life
All the silly things we commit
Everything we did
The fun we had
The sorrow we shared
and
Toward each other we care

Nowadays
We rarely meet
As in face to face
Ws & Fb keep us in touch
Our break didn't match
'JUST & UiTM' is a test
To determine this bond grade
Can't wait to finish the studies
To freely hangout with her
Going there for a vacation
Will be a dream come true
She promised to be a good tourguide
Will it be a reality?

From afar I am watching
Although my skill is talking
To ur stories I'll be listening
I won't stop caring
Until I am dying
Coz u r my darling
This is the ending
Coz it starts to be cheesy
Bye bye is what I am saying

A poem dedicated to my best friend Zaati Nabilah.. Can it be called a poem? Whatever.. Haha

Jam + Bread

Wowwowow!
Being in the bus for soooo long made me wanna write a poem or a rap or anything to express my feeling.. Haha.. Feeling blue out of sudden..

A complete darkness
With my blurred vision
Nothing caught in my sight
Except for the red lights
Turning my face red
All vehicles
Have the red lights on
In a paused video
Or Moving slower than tortoise
12 hours plus have passed
When will I reach there
The not-so-comfy-but-so-so bed
Patiently waiting for me
The cold shower
The unopened books

My battery is dying
My legs want to be straightened
My back wants to be laid
My neck wants a pillow
My whole body need rest

But no need to worry
A payback time will eventually come
Whether in the midnight or tomorrow
A soundless sleep
In a right place(a room)
Only time that matters
Everything will pass
U will reach ur destination

That's all from me
Writing in the Kiffah bus
It's a journey from Kelantan to Selangor
Which usually takes about 7/8 hours
K..Back to sleep
For the 20th time maybe
Hehe

Welcome 2016

How time flies. It's 2016 people. A new year but it's still the old me. Hehe. I had make up my mind and decided to use this blog as my diary. I've always wanted to keep a diary but I just can't. I'll be really excited at first and write a long essay at first but then I won't be writing frequently. For all these 20 years and 11 months I've been living, I've failed to keep even ONE proper diary.(Not officially 21! ^_~). I know I won't be posting every single day but I'll try my best to write all the memory that I treasure on this year. In shaa Allah. Its because when I grow older, I want to be able to remember every details of the scene or story that I've experienced in life no matter it's a happy,shameful, even a painful or sorrowful memory. As long as it's significant. It could be a life lesson to me, reprimanding me not to repeat my mistakes and it could be something that I could share with my children if it's a wonderful memory. 

I've chosen this medium to keep my memory as I press my keyboards more often than I hold my pens. So, it's seems to be the righteous decision for a keyboard warrior like me. ^_^. 

It's the fourth day of the new year. I am still in my final examination month but with a 10 days gap till the next paper, I don't feel the urge to study which is the biggest problem that I face right now. By any means, I should force myself to do it as the previous one is a struggle. I didn't manage to answer it that well. It was really difficult. I hope that madam will not be that strict in marking our Parasitology paper. We did the best we could in answering but the questions seems to be a level higher than us(me and all my friends). 

The next paper will be Genetics followed with Ecology and Marketing. I have to start studying so that I won't be repeating the same mistake I did for my beloved Parasitology subject. To be honest, I love Parasitology as it deals with parasites that cause diseases, especially to human. However, it's to much for me to handle. There's a lot of species which are new to me with very weird names which made my tongue twisted even to pronounce them. Haha. 

For example, Ichthyopthirius multifilis(white spot disease called ich to fish). Eimeria tenella(cecal diarrhea), Entamoeba histolytica(intestinal parasite),E.coli,E. gingivalis, Naegleria fowleri(brain parastite), Acanthamoeba sp(eye parasite), Alaria Americana, Schistosoma mansoni,S.japonicum,S.haematobium, Echinostoma sp. Fasciola hepatica,F.gigantica,Fasciolopsis buski, Dicrocoelum dendriticum(cow fluke), Haematolechus medioplexus(toads lung fluke), Prosthogonimus marcrorchis(birds fluke), Paragonimus westermani(human lung fluke), Clonorchis sinensis(Chinese/oriental liver fluke), Heterophyes heterophyes(intestinal fluke), Dipyllobothrium latum, Echinococcus multicularis(fox tapeworm),E.granulosus(dog tapeworm), Taenia saginata(beef tapeworm), Taenia solium(pork tapeworm), Dipylidium caninum(cat/dog tapeworm),Hymenolepis nana(dwarf tapeworm), Trichuris trichuria(whip worm), Trichinella spiralis(pork worm), Ascaris lumbricoides, Toxocara canis/cati, Anisakis sp, Strongyloides stercoralis(threadworm), Ancylostoma duodenale/Necator Americanus(hookworm), Wuchereria bancrofti/Brugia malayi(elephantiasis), Onchocerca volvulus(river blindness), Loa loa, Dirofilaria immitis(heartworm) and the list go on and on. 

Wow! It's amazing that I can remember all these anomalous parasites name. I am proud of myself. Although I can't answer the questions excellently, I hope that everything that I learned and memorized will stay in my brilliant brain forever. We all know that, brain is amazing as it have unlimited usage and storage. So, I want to hone my brain as sharp as a shining tack. However, a brain need a daily rest in order to function well which I didn't provide it to my brain yet today as I can't sleep. I don't know why. By all means, I have to sleep to avoid the popular brain shutdown among sleepless students called aneurysm. So that's all for now!

ONGOING MISSION

Exercising with the people who have the place in my heart; my friends was really fun! We jogged, played badminton and rope skipping together. It was a lot of fun. I know if I am reading this post when I am older I'll be wondering who they are. So, in order to keep a vivid memory of the moment I am going to list every single one who joins the weight loss mission where I am the trainer. Well, I am not a real trainer as I don't have the qualifications. The only reason they assigned me as the trainer is simple, because I am thin. Haha. What kind of qualification is that? It’s a very peculiar reason to qualify me as a trainer. Okay, back to where we were; listing the people that I love who joins the mission apart from my whole family which obviously live in my heart since i know the meaning of love.

There are a total of eight people including me. Hehe. Two of them proposed the idea to me and of course I'll gladly accept the idea as I love exercising. 

They are Nurul Iffah binti Mohd and Nur Amalina binti Zaki. We started the first and second day of the mission with three people as the rest is busy plus lazy I think. Haha. Actually the next day of the first day we have the CTU examination (What kind of sentence is this? Keling! Bear with me. Haha) Well, for your information, we are now in the final examination month. The last day of the examination will be on 17th January 2016. About 19 days left to receive our freedom back.

On the third day, almost all of us join the mission.  

New members of the third day:
Nik Nur Hakimah binti Nik Abdullah
Nur Dinie binti Abdul Rahman
Nurul Nadia binti Zahari
Nurul Fatihah binti Jasmin

Actually, these new members are not trying to lose weight but they just want to exercise together with us, showing their support in this mission. Haha.

If you are counting, you’ll realize that something is off. The listed names are 6 + me = 7 people. There’s someone missing and she is Siti Nur Alia binti Abdul Hashim. I don’t know whether she’s not interested in exercising or it’s because of that big incident which happened recently**. Then, why did I include her in this post? It’s because my mission is to make her join us to exercise someday by hook or by crook. Haha.

It’s not like I want to force everyone to exercise with me just because I love exercising. I just love to do everything together. The togetherness is what I seek. When you share your interest with your friends, it will be a lot more fun as the saying goes, the more the merrier. I know that there are people who don’t like to exercise and I somehow have to respect their decision. Even though half of my heart disagree with that type of people because I will be like “Don’t they know the BENEFITS of exercising? It’s great for your health, people!”

Well, thanks to all of them, I was able to exercise joyously. I love them so much. (A very romantic side of me is revealed here which is why I didn’t tell any of my friends about this blog. Maybe, I did in the past to my friends in schools but I’m sure this blog is forgotten already as I rarely write back then).  

Ya Allah, Engkau mengetahui bahawa hati-hati ini telah berkumpul kerana mengasihiMu, bertemu untuk mematuhi (perintahMu), bersatu untuk memikul beban dakwahMu. Hati-hati ini telah mengikat janji setia mendaulat dan menyokong syariatMu. Maka eratkanlah ikantannya ya Allah. Kekalkanlah kemesraan antara hati-hati ini. Tunjukkanlah kepada hati-hati ini dengan limpahan iman/keyakinan dan keindahan tawakkal kepadaMu. Hidup suburkanlah hati-hati ini dengan pengetahuan sebenar tentangMu. Jika Engkau mentakdirkan mati maka matikanlah pemilik hati-hati ini sebagai para syuhada dalam perjuangan agamaMu. Engkaulah sebaik-baik sandaran dan sebaik-baik penolong. Ya Allah, perkenankanlah permintaan ini. Ya Allah, restuilah dan sejahterakanlah junjungan kami (Nabi) Muhammad SAW, keluarga dan para sahabat semuanya. Amin.

**My heart and mind are still battling whether I should share that incident story or not. If there’s a post on that incident, it means that my mind is listening to my heart. Haha.

AS THE HIDDEN SHOWN

I just wanna share something that might answer the questions that were playing in my friends mind. Yesterday, I have a very gloomy expression and I am incapable of making it bright as I usually am. Actually, I am disappointed in myself at that time because I overslept. Waking up late was really turning my mood down. I am not mad at my friends. Not AT ALL!!! I am REALLY MAD at myself that I feel like crying. The problem is, I don’t have any time alone that morning so I couldn’t cry my heart out as I have a class party to attend. I am holding everything in but I couldn’t manage my expression that well and my friends were asking me why I am different that day. They said I am not bright as always. I wanna tell them why but I know if I let it out my tears will follow. I just kept quiet. However, a friend of mine which was sitting beside me keep asking me why and it’s bothering me so I wrote a message to her using my phone, guessing that I won’t be crying that way. To my shock, after passing my-message-typed-phone to her my tears were rushing to come out. I don’t want anyone to see me that way because I am not sad because of them but because of MYSELF. So I hurriedly left the class to the toilet just beside it and my tears were running down my cheeks without a stop. I am scared that anyone of my friends will find me in that toilet so I decided to take the stairs and calm myself down after praying Dhuha in the surau. As I am bad with direction, I lost my way to the surau. Hahaha. And because of that, she found me on my right path to the surau. I couldn’t hide any longer and she persisted on staying with me in that surau. After I had calm down as my anger was disappearing along with the tears I shed, then I returned to my normal self. Well, that’s me. Whenever I am mad or sad or have any unpleasant feeling I will cry. After all the crying I can be normal again. If I hold in the tears, I will be a little bit gloomy. I never hold it in before and it answers everything.

UNEXPECTED GOOD LEAP

It's literally considered as a good leap. However, to me it's a scary good leap. I'm scared that after the leap I'm going to land onto a lower place than before I made that leap. It will hurt so much if that happens. I wish that I can keep leaping, soaring upwards to the never ending sky. Will that become a reality? It's up to me right? The decision is in my hand. Wherever I want to land, I have to work hard for it. It's my new determination. Oh! How I wish this come to me sooner. U just showed up when I can already sense the smell of final which is just around the corner. It's silhouette is clearly seen even by my naked eyes(I mean without my spectacles as I am a specky) and it starts to haunt me. Luckily it's not that late. I still have time. I need to use it wisely from now on. I can do it! Fighting!  

UNWITTINGLY MOOD SWAY

TELL ME WHYYYYYYYYYYYY......................???????????? (T_T).. isk3..

Why am I like this?
This is not me. I can hardly recognize my own self these days. My super-sensitivity, super-curiosity inconsiderate and super-annoying self are killing me. It is eating me inside out. It feels weird having this peculiar curios mind and all this emotions mixed together which made me a malicious or malign or malevolent or mean or evil person. Back then, I've had always being the pleasant type; hail-fellow-well-met kind of person.(self-praise?Haha)
Okay..this is a serious heart pouring session so I need to be serious.
Emmm...can I go back to my old self? I miss her...A LOT..
Come back to me. (It's REALLLY weird right..  )

You know what? Actually I hate doing anything at all, alone. I can't bear a loneliness even if it is for a short while. I love doing things in group or 'berjemaah' as loneliness might kill me. I am capable of doing things alone but I hate it. I want to share everything with someone, just a single understanding person is enough for me. (but you know, the more the merrier!).  Listening to all my nonsense and gibberish talk and accompanying me every time I need her pleasurably not forcefully. Just like the friends-in-school.

Perhaps this bad side of me has made its appearance because I want to seek attention? I've never being away from home for a very long time and now I had to stay here in the hostel. Being with my family, I can feel their purest love even they rarely say it. Well, action speaks louder than words. There is overflowing of love, attention and cares from them. I know I shouldn't expect the exactly same thing to happen here. Because friends are not family. But you know what, actually I regard them as part of my family. I truly mean it. Which is why I have a high expectation on them and I tend to feel very frustrated if they turn down my invitation to go somewhere or to do something. I know I can hide my emotions very well. I can say it's okay I can go there alone. I'm crying in discreet so that no one knows. I told you, I cried rather easily. After all the crying, I can pretend to be normal again. It's very rare for me to be sulky i.e not talking to someone who let me down.

I know I am bad at heart-to-heart kind of talk. Like Dr.Fadzillah Kamsah said that someone born on the month of February is hard to show their real emotions. What I feel inside my heart, I can't easily let it out. Dr. Fadzillah had advised February born baby to learn how to show their emotions. I am in the process of learning. Writing this post is my first baby step that I've taken in order to do that. (The problem is, I didn't tell my friends about this blog yet so my feet is still in the air waiting to be dropped as a first step. )[a pun out of nowhere]

I don't really know what's inside their heads. All their actions and responses either they love it or hate it, sometimes, I DON'T have any clue. I am not a 'nujum pak belalang' that can guess everything. I am just a mere pathetic girl who loves to call herself a queen. At times, I wish I have a superpower like Lee Jong Suk have in I Hear Your Voice. So that I know who are annoyed with me and who are pleased being with me.

Walking down the usual path
In the middle of the rain
It's also raining inside of me
As the path is travelled alone
I wonder why
There is no one who want to be
Together with me
Even if it's a good place
It's called a Paradise garden
I won't miss it unless I had to
Hoping that someone will say I want
It's really hurt when there's none
The hot water flowing
I can't stop it
Cheeks are the only witness


SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THE GIRL I HAVE BECOME!

FORCEFULLY GLUED TOGETHER

MY HEART PIECE

It's the last night I'll be sleeping peacefully in my comfy bed.
I should've gone to sleep in order to be with my bed longer.
However, this two eyes of mine refuse to stay closed.
So, I get up..turning on my laptop and here I am..
Letting my feeling out by pressing the keyboards.

I don't wanna go back to UiTM
Going back means i have to leave everything that i love.
But I have to..
Because of their hope..
N because of their love..

I can stand on my feet and step outside the house reluctantly again, tomorrow night..
Leaving my footprints,,
together with more than half of my heart..behind..

I know it is not just me who felt like this..
This is because,,
-THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME-
엄마 아 빠,,
난 당신이 모두 자랑스럽게 만들 것입니다. 나는 당신의 얼굴에 미소를 넣어 것입니다. 당신의 행복은 나의 목표이다.
   

THOUSANDS OF THINGS TO DO BUT I CHOOSE TO DO NOTHING!

It's not like it's completely nothing, it means something to me. Something that I really love to do even if I were told not to do it millions of time by those who don't want me to be wasting my precious time. What is that something? Haha It is something which is not a big thing but it makes me think that I am something. I am just vomiting everything that are spinning inside my mind. So sorry for making your head to spin too.
Almost all of my friends are studying as i write because we actually have an upcoming test after the mid semester break. Why am I so lazy to do so? Maybe because my mind is already flying to my home sweet home. Even last night I had a full-of-sugar dream that I am with my beloved family at home. Hehe..

#due to the time restriction i have to go..so goodbye for now!i had so much in my head but i guess i will get them out next time.. jalga~~